A recent escort assignment at a rather special location made me realize how high the demand/interest for kinky sexuality really is. The place was fully equipped with every imaginable tools for unusual sex games and to fulfill odd sexual desires, such as clinic games, cages and chains for BDSM, a whole arsenal of different toys – even to a dangerous looking level. Therefore, I decided to dig a little deeper into the world of fetishism.
A fetish is sexual excitement in response to an object or body part that’s not typically sexual, such as shoes or feet. (They’re more common in men.)
Many people with fetishes must have the object of their attraction at hand or be fantasizing about it, alone or with a partner, in order to become sexually aroused, get an erection, and have an orgasm. A person with a fetish might masturbate while they hold, smell, rub, or taste the object. Or they might ask their partner to wear it or use it during sex.
While people use the terms “fetish” and “kink” interchangeably, a kink means an activity or behavior that someone enjoys that exists outside the “norm” of “traditional” sex. Someone’s kink may be bondage, and they may be incredibly excited when they’re tied up…or someone may have a bondage fetish, and their entire sexuality may revolve around restraint.
Meanwhile, a turn-on may be something that simply arouses a person. It’s crucial to remember that people of all gender identities and orientations can be kinky, and what’s kinky to one person may be considered not so arousing by another.
When we think of kink, we often think of BDSM, which involves an erotic power exchange through dominance and submission. BDSM is kinky, but not all kinks fall under the BDSM umbrella.
People often have more than one kink or one fetish, and there is often overlap: For instance, someone may engage in spanking as part of a role-playing scenario in which one partner is dressed up as a schoolgirl and the other like a professor. In such an instance, the scenario would involve role play, impact play, and even age play.
While you might like the sight of your partner in a pair of high heels during sex, that doesn’t necessarily mean you have a shoe fetish.
Most Common Fetishes
People can “fetishize” almost anything. There are many web sites about lots of fetish interests, which shows perfectly that almost anything you could think of could be sexually arousing for an individual. According to related studies, the most common fetishes involve body parts, such as feet, or body features, even obesity, piercings, or tattoos can become someone’s fetish. The feet are by far the most common. Body fluid, body size, and hair fetishes aren’t far behind either.
After body parts comes things you wear. Often clothes worn on the hips and legs, such as stockings and skirts, make their way to the top of the list. Not surprisingly, footwear and underwear follows closely behind.
Fetishes that involve the feel of a certain material, often leather or rubber, are also common. Some people like dressing themselves and their partner in furry animal costumes. Other common fetishes may involve: role play, impact play, anal sex, group sex, sensation play, orgasm control, psychological games, voyeurism. (I might elaborate on them in more detail in another blog post.)
Where Do Fetishes Come From?
Sexual behavior experts don’t agree on the causes. Some people can trace their attraction back to early childhood, before they were aware of their sexuality.
A fetish can also come from seeing inappropriate sexual behavior during childhood or from sexual abuse, says Kenneth Rosenberg, MD. He’s a psychiatry professor at Weill Cornell Medical College.
Are Fetishes OK?
A sexual fetish is not a disorder by definition, but it can reach that level if it causes intense, lasting distress.
Whether somebody is doing this by themselves or with a partner, if they’re happy with it, then it’s not an issue, as long as it causes pleasure and no one is being forced to take part.
Once this behavior becomes depriving, the effected individual will experience his fetish as problematic. They are not simply experimenting with novel means of sexual expression. They are desperate, compulsive, and sometimes so distressed by their behaviours that suicide becomes a consideration, which leads to serious distractions, obviously.
When it’s a disorder, it feels out of control. Someone might disappear from work or home to practice their fetish in secret. This fascination could also keep them from doing their job. People with these disorders might also steal to get the object of their desire. Often, they can’t have meaningful sexual relationships with other people. They might prefer to have time alone with their object, even when they’re in a relationship with another person.
If your partner said, ‘Wear a pair of sexy shoes tonight,’ you’d probably say, ‘Why not?’ But if your partner said, ‘You can sleep in the other room, just leave me your shoes,’ that would be a problem.
Standard treatment includes medication and talk therapy with a psychiatrist or counsellor.
Still, some fetishes can be harmless. The same can be said of people who enjoy bondage, discipline or domination, sadism, and masochism, commonly known as BDSM. As long as everyone agrees, then chances are no one’s getting hurt in a way that is extreme or permanent, and everyone’s happy with what’s happening.